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Our Story, Part 2: In which we date but say we're not, and then I do something really stupid
2 comments Posted by Lala at 1:29 PMOur story picks up in 2002, when I was a senior in high school and Michael was a college freshman. I occasionally would see him on instant messenger, but honestly he wasn't really on my radar since he was A) dating someone else, and B) away at college. You could say we were casual acquaintances. Every year, our high school's AP English teacher would take her class on a field trip to the UNCC campus library to do term paper research in a college setting. I was doing my term paper on Hamlet (which I still can't bring myself to read or watch an adaptation of to this day, ten years later). My classmates and I piled on the bus for the hour-long drive to Charlotte. Once we got settled in at the library, my dear, over-achieving friend Joanna (remember her from the last post? The aspiring Star Wars fan?) gathered a hefty stack of "college books" that she wanted to take home and read. Unfortunately, not being a student, that wasn't going to happen. She was bummed, so she started asking around if anyone knew any UNCC student that might be willing to check out her books for her. Michael immediately popped into my head, and I told her I'd check online to see if he was around. He was. I struck up a conversation, told him we were at the library, and asked if he'd be willing to come check out Joanna's books. He of course said yes and jogged over to the library to meet us. After he made Joanna's day by checking out her books, he sat down in the library to chat. We fell into easy conversation like old friends, which has always been one thing that attracted us to each other over the years - how easily we could talk to each other. During the course of the conversation he told me he had recently broken up with his long-time girlfriend, and I pretended to be sorry. When our class left, he walked me to the bus and said goodbye, but we both knew it wasn't.
Our Story, Part One: In which it all begins
I was a freshman in high school. I had aspirations of becoming a film or stage director, so I immediately threw myself into our school’s theater production, which, that year, was Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Carousel. I volunteered for backstage tech crew and got to work. Every year, our drama teacher would recruit her Drama 1 students by brute force to either be in or work in the play. That is how Michael and I came to be backstage together that week, running props and lights and costume changes and other such business. He was a sophomore. We had never met, but I had known who he was since 3rd grade when I memorized my school’s yearbook and noted how incredibly skinny that particular 4th grader looked. We had a mutual high school friend, David, which gave us a bit of common ground as we got to know each other. I immediately developed a violent crush on Michael (remember, I was a high school freshman - enough said). I remember going home after the first night we met and writing in my diary that I’d met a guy with “great skin and perfect teeth.” Good to know I was paying attention to all the important details. Anyway, the rest of that week is fuzzy to me now. I do particularly remember a fight we had over a soda bottle cap. By “fight,” of course, I really mean “excuse to flirt shamelessly.” We each claimed the cap belonged to us, and we tried to pry it out of each others’ hands, eventually “giving up” in a stalemate and keeping our hands clasped together, both refusing to budge. Very subtle. For the record, I still have that little bottle cap, tucked away in a box of keepsakes. I think that might be a little weird.
After the play wrapped, I started to hang around under the stairs at the high school entrance with Michael, David, and their friends. We goofed around, but honestly we barely got to know each other to any extent. I confided in David about my crush on Michael, and Michael did the same. David decided to arrange for us to go on a date (read: us and 20 other high school freshmen), which, incidentally, he forgot to explain to me. So we rounded up a group of people to go see Star Wars Episode 1. Michael felt a bit awkward since he didn’t know anyone but David and me. I remember we went to Hardees for food, and then we all walked en masse to the theater. Once we got inside the theater, Michael and I were both a bit shy, so we sat on the same row but left a seat between us. Almost immediately, my well-meaning but clueless best friend Joanna (bless her) plopped herself down in that seat and asked Michael to please explain the entire Star Wars universe to her. She was trying to make him feel at ease, but she also managed to make sure we didn’t say a single word to each other throughout the entire movie. I, not realizing this was supposed to be a date, didn’t make much of it. Michael, knowing it was a date, assumed I wasn’t interested and was too much effort. So that was that. I did borrow his oversized Superman shirt when I was in a Godspell dinner theater later that year (I was supposed to be a skater punk), and he claims I never gave it back, but I’m sure he’s wrong - because why would I keep that?
We remained acquaintances, but not really friends. My sophomore year, a friend asked me to prom, and we ended up going with the same group Michael and his date were in. Again, I don’t really remember interacting with him much during that time. I do remember we ate escargot for the first (and last) time that night, and that we all had our pictures taken on the lawn of the doctor who would perform lung surgery on me two years later (sorry for the details that mean nothing to you - but this is for my benefit too!).
He started dating someone else, and so did I. We continued to do school plays together. My sophomore year our school did Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Oklahoma (noticing a pattern here?). I was assistant director or stage manager or something or other, and Michael had a few bit parts (no pun intended - you’ll see why in a moment). There is a quick-moving auction scene in Oklahoma, and poor Mike could never remember where his line (“Two bits!”) came in. I would sit in the wings with the script, ready to prompt actors who forgot their lines. On opening night, the auction scene came, and Mike’s line came up, and....nothing. I knew he wasn’t going to say it without prompting, and I knew prompting was going to create an awkward pause onstage. So I deepened my voice and called out from the wings, “Two bits!” The auction scene continued without a hitch.
My junior year, we put on Annie, a vast improvement over Rodgers and Hammerstein. Michael played Drake (the butler), and I was assistant director, a fishnet-wearing chorus girl, and a dancing maid. Fun. This was Mike’s last play before graduating. I don’t remember interacting with him much other than taking a picture together when the play wrapped.
Then he went off to college, and I started my senior year in high school. We wouldn’t cross paths again until later that year when my AP English class took a trip to the UNCC library to do research for a term paper. But I’ll save that story for next time.
Disclaimer: I realize this is just a bunch of little pointless vignettes strung together, and that this hardly qualifies as a love story. Just give me time - I promise it gets better. I’m just trying to get these details out there so they don’t escape me later.
I really kind of meant to do these posts on Fridays. But as I've been under the false impression all day today that it was actually Friday, I figured what the heck. I've been carrying around a journal so I can record these little gifts, but I'll admit that I haven't been great this week about keeping my eyes open and counting these blessings. I have such a hard time relinquishing my hold on the "busyness" that has defined me for so long. So here's hoping that this coming week will find me more aware of all the things I have to be thankful for.
This week I am thankful for:
21. finally understanding the meaning behind a word my son has been saying for months
22. waking up slowly with my husband's arms around me
23. cherry blossoms
24. orange zest
25. sitting with a dear friend and watching our boys playing in the yard
26. that the Man of all Sorrows never forgot what sorrow is carried by the hearts that He bought
27. a restaurant-quality, home-cooked, SIT-DOWN dinner with my husband last night
28. PBS
29. eskimo kisses
30. that it still wouldn't be enough time
31. holding an hours-old baby girl
32. unexpected and rare toddler hugs
My husband recently encouraged me, as only a seminary student can, to try centering my daily devotional around the Heidelberg Catechism. He pointed me to Kevin DeYoung's book, The Good News We Almost Forgot. Today, I took his advice, and I was glad I did. The book starts out with the first two questions/answers of the Heidelberg Catechism:
1. Q) What is your only comfort in life and in death?
A) That I am not my own, but belong - body and soul, in life and in death - to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with His precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven: in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to Him, Christ, by His Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for Him.
2. Q) What must you know to live and die in the joy of this comfort?
A) Three things: first, how great my sin and misery are; second, how I am set free from all my sins and misery; third, how I am to thank God for such deliverance.
Wow. There is so much life-changing theology packed into those two statements. I was also glad that DeYoung chose to include the first two questions/answers in juxtaposition, because they really cannot be separated. As he says, "Question 1 of the Catechism shapes our whole existence. The first thing we need to know as a Christian is that we belong to Jesus and not ourselves."
But I love what he says next:
"All three things are necessary. If we don't know about our sin - which brings a true sense of guilt - we will be too confident in our abilities to do right and make the world a better place. We will ignore our most fundamental problem, which is not lack of education, or lack of opportunity, or lack of resources but sin and its attendant misery. But if we don't know how we are set free from this sin and misery - which comes through God's grace - we will try to fix ourselves in futility or give up altogether in despair. And if we don't know how to thank God, showing gratitude for such deliverance, we will live in a self-centered, self-referential bubble, which is not why God saved us from our sin and misery in the first place. If Christians would hold to all 'three things' and not just one or two, we would be saved from a lot of poor theology and bad ideas." (emphasis mine)
I long to live in such a way that I understand, embrace, and apply all three things. I am really looking forward to working through this book and this catechism in the weeks ahead.
I wept today as I watched this. I wept because, for so long now, I have been trudging through my days, feeling sort of dead, or numb, inside, feeling weighed and pressed down by so many worries, frustrations, and responsibilities. I have thought time and time again that I'm only half alive. Bible verses about abundant life echo through my head, and I know that I'm not embracing it. Song lyrics haunt me. "This is your life - are you who you want to be?" "And the gap grows wider between who I am and all I aspire to be." I feel like I'm living my life half awake. And time is slipping away. What am I going to do about it?
I have been following the blogs of several women who have been doing this exercise in 1000 gifts. And I wondered, would challenging myself to chronicle the blessings I see, through the good and the bad, start to change my attitude and pull me out of this spiritual rut I've been in for so long? I have been focusing for too long now on what I'm neglecting to do, what I need to fix - when maybe I should just take a step back, marvel at the ways God blesses me everyday, and open my heart to His transforming love. Because, of course, all my efforts at transformation are in vain if He does not first change me. And how will I notice this change if I don't start to notice all His great gifts to me? So this is my vow to start living with my eyes wide open, sensitive to His abundant love and grace. May God take and mold my grateful heart until it resembles His Son.
Today I am thankful for:
1. Sweet, hot coffee on a ragged throat
2. moments of clarity
3. a chatty little boy
4. chubby cheeks to kiss
5. recuperation
6. productivity
7. three-hour naps
8. great music that reawakens my passion for global missions
9. my husband's level-headedness and wisdom when I'm tempted to lose my cool
10. free Harris Teeter Express Lane this week
11. pretty journals and thank-you notes
12. breathtaking skyskapes
13. a boy who loves to read
14. Chick-Fil-A
15. a sweet little voice saying "Mama," "Dada," "Nee," and "Bawbaw"
16. poetic song lyrics
17. quiet Friday nights at home with my family
18. long, flowing skirts
19. dear friends growing their families
20. change on the horizon
My friend Kelly is holding a little bloggy event revolving around soup. Brilliant? Yes. So here is my contribution to Soupilee 2011. And no, I did not come up with this recipe on my own. My amazingly-talented-in-the-kitchen friend Candice shared it with me, and it is simply scrumptious. So eat up, and enjoy!
Baked Potato Soup Recipe
4 large baking potatoes
2/3 cup butter
2/3 cup all purpose flour
6 cups milk
Salt & Pepper to Taste (takes a lot of salt)
4 green onions, chopped and divided
12 slices bacon, cooked, crumbled, and divided
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese, divided
1 (8 ounce) carton sour cream
Wash potatoes and prick several times with a fork; bake at 400 degrees for one hour or until done. Let cool. Cut potatoes in half lengthwise, then scoop out pulp.
Melt butter in heavy saucepan over low heat; add all purpose flour, stirring until smooth. Cook 1 minute (or until thick), stirring constantly. Gradually add 6 cups of milk; cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until mixture is thickened.
Add potato pulp, salt, pepper, half of green onions, half of bacon, and 1 cup of cheese. Cook until thoroughly heated; stir in sour cream. Add extra milk if necessary for desired thickness.
Serve with remaining green onions, cheese, and bacon as garnish.
Begin hibernating.
Yesterday marked 38 years since the Supreme Court reached a decision the case of Roe vs. Wade, which resulted in legalizing abortion, in any stage of pregnancy, in the United States. At our church, we observe Sanctity of Life Sunday, as it's been dubbed, to bring attention to this great evil of our time. There are so many things I could say on this topic. When I was just a childless woman, the very idea of abortion horrified me. Now, as a mother who has carried a living miracle in my womb and experienced the joy that miracle has brought me since his conception, "horror" is a mild way to describe my reaction to abortion. I was going to write a very long (and probably jumbled) blog post about this issue, but then I was introduced to someone who has a much stronger voice than I do in this arena - a voice that, according to the laws of our country, should have been silenced before it could ever be heard. In place of my telling you about the horrors of abortion, I will let Gianna Jessen - an abortion survivor- say it all. Please listen.
From Psalm 51:
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love.
According to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts - you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean.
Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
Let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love.
The title of this post is kind of a double entendre. I’m not really one for New Years resolutions, mostly because I dream big dreams and lack conviction, which, if you don’t know, isn’t the greatest combination for following through on things. But the blogosphere is all a-buzz with people posting their resolutions, and since I have been thinking about things I’d like to change, I decided to chime in. So, instead of resolving to do all sorts of ambitious things, like lose 40 pounds or become a coupon maven, I am just setting a few modest goals for 2011 (inspiration for this came from my dear husband and the blog of Patrick Rhone). Nothing huge or particularly life-altering, just little things I feel confident I can improve upon. I am making some resolutions, but I am doing so in moderation so I don’t fall too short.
The second meaning behind this post’s title has to do with one of my modest resolutions, which is to start doing everything I do in moderation. I have a somewhat addictive personality, and I have trouble maintaining reasonable boundaries in a lot of areas of my life. Twitter, for instance, is my new obsession, for lack of a better word. I’ve recently started using it more, and I’ve immediately become somewhat addicted. I find myself constantly checking my iPhone for updates or to send another tweet. Often when a thought crosses my mind, I immediately think, “I should tweet that!” I’ve even found myself glued to my iPhone while Michael and Fox play right in front of me (if you don’t recognize that as bad, then maybe you could use some moderation in your life, too!). So, perfect example of why I need moderation. I find I am the same way with Facebook, TV series, books, house projects, blog posts (ahem), you name it. And I don’t like that about myself. So my first resolution for 2011 is that I am going to try to practice moderation in all areas of my life. If I feel myself going overboard with something, I’m going to stop. My first attempt at this was to delete the Twitter and Facebook apps from my phone so that I wouldn’t carry that temptation around in my pocket all day. And guess what - it worked! I still use both social media outlets, but I have already seen a notable difference in how much I think about them and how much time I devote to them. My first win of the year!
On that note, here are a few more of my modest goals for this year.
- Eat well and feed my family well. To make this attainable I’m going to avoid focusing on the big picture and instead focus on individual changes I can make. If we eat whole wheat toast with breakfast instead of white, that’s one small win. I don’t need to focus on everything at once - just what can be accomplished or decided in the moment. I think this will work, because I can feel good about smart choices and not beat myself up over every little not-so-smart choice.
- Read my Bible a little bit every day. Maybe just a Psalm. I’m not going to try to glean something brilliant from each passage I read. I’m just going to read it and let it soak in.
- Pray for my husband and son every day. This really shouldn’t be hard, it just needs to become a habit.
- Spend more time playing with Fox and less time cleaning up the mess he’s made. Learn to embrace a little messiness!
- Continue purging all the things we don’t need in our house. I’d love to continue becoming minimalists. Make sure everything has a purpose and place.
- Reduce our grocery bill. Do this by being more deliberate about meal planning.
- Don’t beat myself up about every failure. Look at this year like the stock market. Don’t focus on individual gains and losses, but instead look at whether the overall picture shows improvement. If so, then it’s been a successful year.
There they are. I’ll revisit this post in 2012 to see how I’ve done.
Happy New Year!