I get anxious at night. Fearful. I don’t know why. Sometimes it’s worse than others, and thankfully, lately, it hasn’t been too bad. But for as long as I can remember, nighttime anxiety and fear have been common for me. I have some thoughts about why this happens:
1) I was afraid of the dark and afraid of sleeping alone in my room until I was 12. Yes, I know that’s pretty old to still be wanting to crawl into bed with Mom and Dad. But that’s the way it was. And, if I’m honest, I’m still afraid of sleeping alone. In nearly 5 years of marriage, Michael and I have never slept apart from each other except for nights during this first year of Fox’s life where I would sleep in the nursery with him. During that time I was also dealing with some mild postpartum depression that would give me a feeling of ominous dread when the sun would begin to set.
2) I have historically had nasty nightmares. I have no idea where all these horrible dreams spring up from, but they have often made me lie awake for hours feeling frightened and uneasy and praying desperately to forget them. They were worse when I was pregnant (probably latent fears about Fox’s safety - and my own - juiced up by hormones), and they’ve eased up lately, but every once in awhile I still wake up from a doozy.
3) I used to love horror movies. I really have no idea what was wrong with me. Now the thought of watching something scary gives me the heebie jeebies, but I used to relish them. Unfortunately for me, while I typically forget most plot details after a year and can watch a movie again like it’s brand new, I have an eerily good memory for the disturbing images I’ve soaked up over the years. Which means sometimes they pop into my head unbidden when I am trying desperately to go to sleep. Which brings me to....
4) I have suffered from insomnia off and on as long as I can remember. I can’t seem to quiet my mind at night in order to relax and drift off to sleep, which gives me time to think about all sorts of unpleasant things. This problem is exacerbated by point number 3 above, and sometimes I find myself squeezing my eyes shut and begging God to give me comfort and peace and to keep evil thoughts at bay.
So, as you can see, I have issues. But my purpose in writing this really isn’t to highlight those issues. What I want to focus on is the only thing that can bring me relief. I mentioned several times above how I find myself praying desperately for God’s comfort during my fearful times. He is certainly faithful to calm my fears, though sometimes not immediately. And over the years He has provided me with tools to help me, which brings me to the thing that inspired me to write this post in the first place. Several years ago, Fernando Ortega came to perform at BGEA, and he sang a song off an upcoming album that was incredibly moving to me. I find myself singing this song to myself nearly every night as I go to sleep, and I also sing it to Fox each night as I’m giving him his bedtime bottle. The song just captures the essence of what my heart is crying out to God when I’m afraid, and it also comforts me by reminding me of His care for His children. Finally, it also serves as the perfect prayer. I wanted to share this song with you, so you might find comfort when you need it as well. Here are the lyrics, as well as a recording of the song (thanks, Youtube).
Jesus, King of Angels, Heaven’s light,
shine your face upon this house tonight.
Let no evil come into my dreams;
Light of Heaven, keep me in your peace.
Remind me how you made dark spirits flee,
and spoke your power to the raging sea,
and spoke your mercy to a sinful man -
remind me, Jesus, this is what I am.
The universe is vast beyond the stars,
but you are mindful when a sparrow falls
and mindful of the anxious thoughts
that find me, surround me, and bind me.
With all my heart I love you, Sovereign Lord.
Tomorrow let me love you even more,
and rise to speak the goodness of your name
until I close my eyes and sleep again.
The universe is vast beyond the stars,
but you are mindful when a sparrow falls,
and mindful of the anxious thoughts
that find me, surround me, and bind me.
Jesus, King of Angels, Heaven’s light,
hold my hand and keep me through this night.
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